Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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