Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
