As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
