Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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