i just sent this text using only my big toe
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
