Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Found the puke drawer
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
