Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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