i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
