im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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