At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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