Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
false alarm. still invincible.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
