my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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