I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
