When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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