If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
