Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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