Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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