I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
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