Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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