Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
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Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
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I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.