i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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