is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
