literally had 100 drinks last night.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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