Will you blow on my dice?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
