The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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