I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
