My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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