ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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