So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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