all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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