He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize