My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me