Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!