I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
