So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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