Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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