His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
