so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
