There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
