We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
