Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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