Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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