We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
