my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
