I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
my liver is dry heaving
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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