Pappa wants mamma naked
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
