cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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