Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
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She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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