i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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