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I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
bring money and cleavage
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
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