God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
