As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
