Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
