I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
