i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
