Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
