4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Couch. On fire.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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