OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
