you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
