I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
