why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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