she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Man, jail baloney is awful.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
